91A - Fit and Well Column for October 10th, 2004

TITLE: "Exercising as a Couple"

Dear David, Trish and Angelica,

Wally and I were recently married, and we both have an interest in health and fitness. Also, we share the awareness that exercise is an essential part of that lifestyle. Is there any way we can make our workouts part of our "quality time" together?

-Wanting it ALL in Annapolis"

Dear "Wanting it ALL",

And who could blame you? We've got great news for you.

In this case you CAN have it all, and MORE. Increased intimacy, AND fitness… all for the price of admission to your nearest health club (with a few guidelines, of course!).

Any shared interest in a relationship can become the basis for additional interaction, bonding, and intimacy. And if the shared interest is fitness, this is certainly the case. And it is a great time for bonding, and truly paying attention to each other's needs.

Many couples miss an opportunity here… often seeing their exercise experience and fitness goals as something very personal, and beyond the "boundaries" of a close relationship. It IS personal, but hopefully so is the relationship!

The elements of a healthy lifestyle, and the exercise experience that supports it, lends itself perfectly to reinforcing honesty and communication between two people. And if you can love someone when they are all sweaty, tired, and sometimes frustrated, chances are you can love them ALWAYS! (But guys, DO NOT ask for a big hug after your intensive cycling class. "Shower FIRST!" says Trish).

You already KNOW that the main objective and approach to exercise is play, and the main purpose is JOY! What other activity offers such a combination (OK, there ARE a few others, but let’s move on…).

Convinced? We hope so. Trish and I have been using the exercise experience to enhance the quality of our relationship for years. And, even when we travel, visiting foreign gyms (like Hoboken, NJ) it provides us with an exciting opportunity to see new things, meet new people, and renew our physical and spiritual bond with each other… EVEN in front of strangers!

And, of course, it helps us stay fit, and has provided us with wonderful memories. Combine this with our lifelong quest for the perfect fat free Ice Cream, and you can understand why we truly are "low maintenance".

Anybody that knows Trish and I understands that we abhor rules, so let’s call the following "guidelines to success" when developing and practicing your exercise regimen with your partner.

First, and foremost, is the need for both partners to have a genuine interest in the activity. In other words, dragging or nagging your partner into the gym is totally ill-advised and counter productive.

Second, do NOT start grabbing or pinching the little "extra parts’ or lamenting on the creative curvature and lack of "Greek-god/goddess like" features of your partner’s body. True acceptance is one of the major players in the arena of love (waxing poetic, am I not?)!

Third, DO NOT bring outside issues INTO the gym. Leave them at home, in the car, at the front door, ANYWHERE, but NOT during special time together. Believe me, wherever you leave those issues, they will remain for you to pick up after your workout, and maybe even get bigger. But, of course, you’ll be stronger! NO discussing food budget while on the treadmill, or complaining about world disharmony while spotting your partner on the incline bench. This must be a "time away".

Finally, if there are in fact unresolved issues and/or arguments that need resolution, resolve them BEFORE your workout. Guys, there are some very heavy weights available in the gym. Not a good place to do emotional purging and physical acting out. If disagreements or disharmonies cannot be resolved before your shared workout, choose one of the following:

1. Acknowledge the disharmony and fully agree to defer until later
2. Make a mutually beneficial decision to work out separately on this occasion
3. Go home, have your spat, eat a great dinner, and use your combined creative resources to figure out some way to work out at home. Be creative!

If you are in the process of choosing a club, make sure that they offer programs that are of interest to you AND your partner. If you already belong to a club, inquire about activities that may be available. If they don't have any, ask them to start some!

Strength training offers one of the best opportunities to work together as an intimate team. If you're both beginners, you may consider engaging the services of a Personal Trainer to train you BOTH at the same time. You can learn how to support, encourage, guide, and empower each other. Hey, and these lessons may even follow you out the gym door!

The other alternative is to find activities that involve group participation. Group classes such as aerobics, kick boxing, Yoga, and Pilates are just a few of the options.

Trish and I took Tango lessons. It took us months to learn the movements, but it was great fun, and now we can be seen "Tangoing" in front of Kohr Brother's Ice Cream at the Annapolis Mall!

So, if you don’t get enough quality time with your partner, then try exercising together. In this way, both of you get the health benefits associated with exercise and maybe prove the theory that training together does help you stay together!

• More quality one-on-one time together
• Increased communication and sharing
• Workouts become more motivating, fun and inspiring
• Learn to enjoy the achievements of each other’s progress
• "Experimenting" with other roles in the relationship (leader, follower, teacher, student, etc.)
• Appreciating each other’s needs, aspirations, and dreams

• Shout out orders or correct them TOO loudly!
• Make the other person feel embarrassed or ashamed by their present limitations or apparent "weaknesses". We are all "works in progress"
• Discuss outside issues or bring up conflicts during the workout
• Become competitive towards your partner (keep competition keen with YOURSELF!)
• Ignore your partner during the workout (especially while spotting…VERY dangerous)!
• Be distracted by other people during the workout. Remember, this is YOUR time together!
• Compare your mate to the cute cheerleader model (or football player for Trish) that is passionately exercising next to you (unless it is to remark that he or she is prettier, sexier, stronger, etc.)
• Miss your workout at times when your partner can’t make it. Show up anyway, and miss them!

Box This:

If doing long stretches of cardio exercise bores you… break it up! In recent studies, it was found that the benefits of aerobic exercise was not diminished at all when broken up into shorter "bursts", rather than long constant duration. So, "break it up", and keep it interesting!